Going through a divorce is one of the most stressful, heart-wrenching life changes, especially if there are children involved. Some divorces are harder than others, particularly if the parties no longer behave reasonably and amicably.
Traditional wisdom says mothers are favored by the courts; however, more and more men are fighting for their children and their rights. These men are finding out the hard way that protecting their rights and their relationship with their children is not that easy. The following dos and don’ts are but the briefest starting tips for those men who are willing to try.
Do be absolutely sure this is the best for all parties.
There are times in all relationships when things don’t seem to be going well; this is natural. Divorce should be the absolute last resort. Realize that the lives of everyone involved will be affected adversely, financially and emotionally. If divorce is the only option left, now is the time to collect your thoughts, develop a plan, and begin making all of the necessary efforts to protect yourself and your children.
Don't leave.
Your first instinct may be to pack a bag, go stay at a friend’s, or get a hotel room. This is a big mistake. As soon as you walk out of the door, she is the de facto owner and resident of the marital residence and the primary caregiver for the children. Regardless of how the court’s final orders separate marital property, your departure will be viewed as a voluntary act that will reflect poorly on you. Do not check out physically or emotionally. This is, and will remain, a hard time, but you will need to be fully present and committed at every stage.
Do define the status quo early and on your terms.
Once the divorce is final, it is nearly impossible to change the outcome. You must, therefore, do everything you can now to define what is the norm, whether it’s who lives in the marital residence, who has primary custody (allocation of parental rights), or who gets to claim the children on their taxes. Start taking notes and making lists of everything you can think of when it comes to this, and live accordingly. You will need this information and reputation.
Don't do things that will reflect badly on you.
Going out all night with your friends, saying negative things about your ex in person or online, or just going on a date with a new woman can and will be used against you by your ex and her attorney. Count on it because you will do the same when it’s time. Be extremely mindful of what you do and how you do it. Remember too that your children are paying more attention than you even realize.
Do write a parenting plan.
Whether you have any input from your ex or not, you should at least begin to compose a draft of a parenting plan. You can write it yourself or follow a template available online, but be as thorough as possible. You should do everything in your power to formulate this plan and come to an agreement with your ex, otherwise you will be at the mercy of the court’s final orders. Moreover, the courts do prefer to simply accept the parties’ agreements as the order.
Don't leave anything out.
There is no such thing as an item too trivial to be included in the parenting plan, brought up in motions, asked about in court, etc. If you have written the most comprehensive and universal agreement (one which covers child support, health insurance, extra-curricular activities, holidays, transportation, decision-making, etc), the court is more likely to accept it, and you will take some comfort in knowing there will be fewer issues that have to be hashed out later between you and your ex.
Do hire an attorney.
Search for someone who will go the distance with you. Make sure you find someone who will work with you on the writing of the pleadings (motions, responses, and replies). You can’t simply let the attorney generate stock forms based on typical divorces. You must provide your attorney with all of the ammunition, arguments, and answers you can possibly compile. It is your responsibility. Find someone who will take your calls. He or she will probably not have any new information for you, but it is immensely helpful when your attorney can at least provide you with some small measure of moral support.
Don't think for one second that the attorneys or judges are on your side.
They aren’t. Attorneys are little more than authorized specialists in the game of law. They make sure the paperwork is in order, that the hearings are scheduled, and they collect a lot of money from you. The courts are merely referees in the game. They only know what it is in the pleadings and what comes out in questioning, and these are usually just a small percentage of the true facts of the matter.
Do research.
No one will do this for you. Read as much as you can. Study other cases. Read books and articles. Talk to others who have gone through this. Read this article again. The more information you have and the more things you bring to your attorney and the attention of the courts the better. You will find both reassurance and fortitude from those who have been there before and become even more aware of the pitfalls and mistakes made by others.
Don't assume anything.
Believing that mothers always win, thinking the kids are better off with mom, or saying to yourself there’s no point will defeat you quicker than anything else. This is the most important battle you will ever wage, and you must actively engage in it. You must know as much as possible, do as much as possible, and go as far as you can. The courts do not know that she did this, she said that; and they do not care to listen to those diatribes and complaints. Find and use the facts.
Do hire a Child Family Investigator.
CFI’s, once known as guardians ad litem, will do the background work that the courts and the attorneys will not. You will find that you can not ask every question or conduct every interview. You shall discover that you are not considered an expert; therefore, your opinion will be weighted very low. The courts take the opinions, advice, and testimony (yes, they will testify!) of the CFI extremely importantly. Your entire case could, and probably will, rest on his or her investigation and recommendations.
Don't discard anything, not emails, letters, voice messages.
You would be surprised how much the courts love these things. Remember though, that if you plan to record phone calls or tape your conversations with your ex, she must be fully aware of it. This is not just a legal requirement, but it levels the playing field and shows fairness, which will also cast you in a better light. Anything that comes off as sneaky or underhanded will undoubtedly come back to haunt you.
Do read the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.
You would be shocked to find out how many things we all do around and in front of our children that are harmful to them. The smallest criticisms of the other parent, the insults and jabs, and the not-so-subtle hostilities are all perceptible to your children, and parents are the last to see these things in themselves. It is incredibly difficult to refrain from these things. Your children will recognize these behaviors and attitudes. They will hold it against you. Become aware of the poisons, and refrain. Be the bigger person; be the better parent.
Don't give up – not on your children, not on yourself.
Plan to go the distance. You will get frustrated; you will get angry. You will question the money and time spent. You will win or lose the case, but in the end you will always be your children’s father. Everything you do, especially if you have followed the advice here, will pay off because the relationship with your children will survive and be stronger in the end. You will have done what you could for your children, and that’s what being a good parent is truly about. Good luck!
